freefalling

Waking up at 11 am,having breakfast at 12 noon, having lunch at 5 in the evening and sleeping at 6 in the morning has become a routine these days.Its like having a jet lag effect!

Life is going haywire, emotions are on a all time high as usual and things aren't going to well lately, especially relationships.

Today, it suddenly dawned upon me how much my friends mean to me.I couldn't help thinking about friendships gone sour,some friends who moved away,some who I forgot, some who got lost along the way, some who distanced themselves and some with whom things have just gone too awkward lately. It hurts to see people change so drastically.It is a part of life that cannot be denied still the human mind always wishes "things were as they were before"...

I just wish sometimes there were no people around, just me and Him.At least there wouldn't be expectations, disappointments, having to walk away from people and trying to dodge their thoughts.

Its not always necessary to understand who or what went wrong.Yet we always love digging for these reasons causing ourselves to worry endlessly.

Its not easy to understand people!(Its not easy to understand myself sometimes!)

Losing people- who once meant so much to you, just for no real reason seems so unfair!Yet there is barely anything you can do about it!!

Sometimes forgiving and forgetting is not all that easy.And not just others, sometimes even yourself .

Wish I could run away....

Dear God,

I sit here once again

knowing you would hear me

that you alone would see my tears...

They say all good things come to end..

(Yeah all...but for you)

knowing this, I still hoped against all hopes

(photo)

then why did I cry when it all went away

why did my heart wail in pain...?

Lord was I wrong?

Should I have waited weeping

for someone who had already moved on??

Six months from now I would be graduating with one of the most prestigious degree in my hand.I can write..'BTech' after me name.

Sometimes I ask myself "Are you even 10% of a software engineer??"

I wonder at times, if I went back in time and had taken up a course in commercial arts wouldn't I be happier?After all I was fond of arts when I was in school.The other day I was looking at one of my friend's album on facebook.She studies at J.J. School of arts and they have their fest going on.As I looked at those paintings and the creativity I wished I could do all of that!! But why go back in time? Would I do it now if at all there was a choice?...*thinks hard*....hmmm...not sure.

When I passed my board exams, there was always this desire to join an NGO and work for people.I was more inclined towards working for the under privileged and specially kids.Even today when I see those little kids selling books at railway stations and in crowded trains and see them working so hard for so little, I wish I could go ahead and do something for them.When I see salesmen slogging and elderly people delivering couriers (perhaps even harder than I would have) and see people slamming their doors on them and shooing them away I wish I could do something.But the best I can do is smile at them appreciating their work and maybe sometimes simply pray for them.

And then there is this deep desire to travel all round the world and spread God's word.I want to go to different places go rock climbing and trekking and live my life to the fullest .

Do I hate studying? No. But over the past few years I have grown ignorant towards studies.Sometimes I wish I could have put in more effort. But some how even today its not working out.

I wish I had a job where I could work for like three days a week, travel to places I want for two days, spend one day working for the under privileged and on Sunday just go to church and worship all day long.Perfect! But if only wishes were horses!! :P

So that leaves me with just one question, "am I really an engineer?" To be frank, No.That was someone I wanted to be once and want even now but only halfheartedly.At heart though I am some one else.But who??

*takes a long pause*

I wish I knew!!
(I am such a confused soul, aint I? :P)

I woke up this morning and messaged a few friends(my langotiya friends lol) who I had been out of touch with since a couple of months now.And their replies brought a wide smile on my face.
I got out of the bed and looked around in the house and found out that everyone had left for work! "Of course! It's 11 am d-u-h!" I said to myself.

After a little while,I sat down to have a chat with Him.We had a lot to catch up on, considering the fact that I hadn't found time to have a conversation with Him amidst all the chaos in my life.

As I was talking, tears rolled down my cheeks(nothing new..lol) and I kept on weeping like a baby.It was as if the pain within me was going away from me through the tears.And a few moments later I sat quietly and peacefully knowing that He was beside me.

I realized that what hurt me yesterday, was necessary for me to know my mistake.That there were some things I needed to change in my life.That it was time to move on and accept certain things I cannot change. That I had a few areas of life that needed to be dealt with before I could have all that I wanted.And above everything else it was necessary to bring me back to Him.

I guess, I need those troubles in my life to bring me closer to God.Rock bottoms in life are just God's way of telling us that "sometimes you cant make it on your own" and that we need Him.

I got this beautiful message today

"When every human source of supply seems to have dried up, don't fear, look for The river(God).God will help [you] at break of day' (Psalm 46:5). Daybreak, a symbol of new beginnings, gives you confidence that beyond this time of trouble and testing, a new day is at hand. "

'Be still, and know that I am God...' (Psalm 46:10)

So you see, if troubles get you closer to Him...they are good in a way, aren't they?;)

read the entire message here.

Fallen down...

Crying...

Failed yet again...

mocked at...

Mistakes repeated..

Repenting....

I looked up with teary eyes and asked once again...."why?"

"Take me to You for no one else understands me.Even if I stand on a mountain top and yell my guts out, not a single person would listen. Even if someone does listen....will he understand??"

No.

(The answer came loud and clear from within)

I sulked...and searched for a an answer...
And then I heard someone say...

"We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed and broken. We are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit.

We are hunted down but God never abandons us, we get knocked down but we get up again and keep going" 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

And then there was peace.....

Os- Windows 7 home premium
Memory-4GB shared dual channel
500GB hard drive SATA Drive

Click on the imgaes to view them clearly....check out the 'sticky note' feature...not much of use though but still liked it..lol

I wrote a poem after almost 3 months..
I must admit though that every poem I have written has come at a time when life didn't seem hopeful...when some answers didn't come easily and when I have felt the winds of adversity blowing hard against myself.
I guess sufferings brings out the best in every poet ;)
(And by a strange coincidence....I wrote this poem too, like other poems, when my exams are just about to start!!!)

Right now though, all I want to say is this....

"I don't want the world to see me 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want You to know who I am"
-Iris(Goo Goo dolls)