A few months back, i vowed not to write my diary anymore.All its pages were filled with the same sad words, the sad poems.Every time i took a pen in my hand and started to write in it, i found that i had no good words to write.The diary had become this collection of negative thoughts,suicidal thoughts,frustration,anger,pain.There came a time when i just wanted to throw it away because i coudnt read it myself.There were a thousand many bad experiences but i always forgot to jot down the good ones,always.I decided not to write in it any more until i had some good words to write about my life.
It was then that i started blogging.My blog became my punching bag.
And then as months passed by, when i read my old posts...i've realised that my blog has become as sad as my diary was.So much negativity, so much of pain....I've become almost like an emo.For all this while, i made it seem like i had all the troubles in the world.Thought that i was the tragedy queen or something.And when i read others blogs,read all their light hearted posts it made me feel so much better.Have these people never suffered what i did when they were my age?....No! they surely have but at least they dont make such a hue and cry about,the way i do.
But then i dont blame myself either coz I am what I am.When feelings find it difficult to find an expression in the real world,they find a place on this blog of mine,in the virtual world.
People have suffered more than me in this world and i am aware of it.Every time i am sad and cry on my mothers shoulder sometimes....she keeps telling me...'look around you and you'll realise how lucky you are.You have your family,dont you? You got a roof above your head,dont you?You get your meals on time,dont you?...kids dont have parents, and some who do, get hit and spanked and abused.Has that ever happened to you?...Then why are you always crying and whining?'.....
Her words do seem true....I look around and it hurts to see the misery of some people who just have nothing to fall back on and yet they live.But sometimes i feel like telling my mother...that for every person his/her problems are always worse. I mean you can compare yourself with others and thank god for what he has given you and not all the others.You can feel sad for these lesser privileged people and may be smile for a while.But the problems will always stay and for you they'll always seem big.
But then,if I always whine and criticize ,when will i actually live my life?For about five years now i've been doing just that.Feeling pity for myself and subjecting myself to loneliness for reasons i couldnt understand.What do i not have in my life?I've got my family,my friends,food,shelter,all the luxuries of life(touch wood).Yet i keep whining all the time.The reason is because I still havent found my aim, my reason for existence.All this while i kept walking on paths that fate wanted me to walk on.I feel like a mere puppet whose strings are in the hands of someone else.I still havent known what my dreams mean or if they really mean something or are just another product of my wacky imagination.
But then perhaps this is the reason why i am still alive and living my life.To find my aim is perhaps my aim in life.If it were not for this aim, would i have anything to look forward to? No!!!So i've realised instead of crying about it all the time, its time now to get up and get going.The only way to find my dream is to wake up and at least make some efforts to realise it.And this year it seems to be going good.Yes, there are fears and worries that still remain in my mind.But if now then never.
Ok seems i've strayed away from the topic.So I am not promising that i will not write sad posts anymore because i know these emotions might just explode one day destroying me(god forbid).I dont want that to happen and know I wouldn't let that happen.
There will be a day when i'll finally triumph.No, victory for me doesn't mean winning gold medals, first prizes or being famous.Okay, that matters a little,i'd be lying if i say it doesnt at all make a diffrence..;)....But the greatest victory for me would be to see myself rising up from where i stand now, getting myself out of this rut that has ruined my life for years now.
I'll be the person i always want to be.
I'll stand on a cliff and feeling the wind blowing against my face i'll say it out loud to myself.....I am at peace with myself......and THAT would be my victory.And i know it'll be mine one day.Perhaps its too far yet, but I am ready to walk those distances because i know it'd be worth the distance.