Wednesday, August 27, 2008

in search of "the way....."


A few days back one of my cousins called up. For a while, the conversation was going all well and then she asked me that one question i always try to avoid....'So what have you decided to do after this(engineering)?'....

me-ummm.....actually i havent yet decided.....

and then to defend myself, i added almost immediately...

- i was thinking of giving the GRE but not this sem, in the next one..

Damn!!...i wish i just kept my mouth shut sometimes! I always end up saying things i dont really want to say. I could have said,'Yes! I am 20 my life's going nowhere. I am doing a course that I was never sure of taking up in the first place. I am still at life's crossroads. Got a million dreams but still have no aim!!....And I need no further advice.Thank you very much!!"

I was never forced by my parents to take up engineering.It was my decision 'coz i hadnt yet figured out back then what i wanted to do. But they didn't appreciate my talents either.I had good drawing skills and at one point of time even wanted to become an artist.....but i remember my mom once telling me off for doing these sketches when i showed it to her...'see what i made...can you guess who's sketch this is?'......'umm i dont know...by the way you should be studying and not making some silly sketches.'

Parents, no matter how much they love us, would never understand.I realised that taking up art wouldn’t be easy...firstly because such fields don’t help you rake in money...which is the sole concern of a normal human in this world! And secondly i didn’t have the guts to follow my heart. So what did i do? I chose the easier way out and followed the crowd.

It's not like i hate what i am doing now but i dont like it much either. Yes sometimes i find it interesting....but then again it’s just ‘sometimes’! All this while, i've been pushing myself and saying 'do your best. coz there's no other way out now. Even if you dont like it, pretend that you do. Say that you like what you are doing and you'll start liking it eventually'. Yes, i've been pretending but then you can fool others around you but how do you fool yourself??

I blame no one for all this, not even me.I am trying my best but sometimes i give in out of frustration. Keep telling myself, ‘just a few years more...maybe you'll figure out then, as to what exactly you want to do’. The problem with me is that my interests are scattered. I have thought over all possible options.But then again do i have the will to take up one of these careers and stick it out till the end? I don’t know yet.

I used to be this book worm in school, stood first all the time. And that lead my parents to think i was some sort of a scholar who is fit for a career so prestigious as engineering. Yeah right! Giving a board exam and giving a final year BTECH paper are two different things altogether. But who would explain them? For parents, they only know of, 'medical' and ‘engineering’. That’s it. That’s where the list of options end for them. But then again i shouldn’t be blaming them.

So now i can get my degree. Be a, say, 40% engineer, work in a company and say, 'ok so i got a job.' or perhaps i can do what I am good at and follow my heart, earn a decent living and say, "ok i am happy!"......A career you enjoy and a career that meets your financial goals is difficult to find .But the question is' WHAT AM I GOOD AT? AND WHAT IS THAT MY HEART WANTS'??!!...and there, i am confused all over again.

There's this one line from a song... “Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.” which i really like, coz it makes my feel better that i am not the only 20yr old in this world who's not figured out things yet. And someone who said ‘it’s never too late’ was not wrong after all.

It just feels sometimes that I am left far behind in this rat race, where people around me are busy studying and giving CAT's,GRE's, GMAT's,...etc. and i am busy figuring out where my hidden talents lie. The worst part is the fact that i end up going where i never intended to go. Once my school teacher asked me about this whole career thing and i remember saying...'anything but engineering!!' And i landed up in the same field! My friend still laughs at this and says... 'pj you are strange!'....

Yeah maybe i am strange, maybe i am confused, a bit lost and a bit complicated. Whatever! i love my life that way! That’s the only thing that matters!I have no grudges....i am loving my life!

These days i just keep praying that i finally find out what i want to do in my life. That's the only hope one can have after one has left no stone unturned in dealing with a problem.And then as alanis morrisette says....

I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that every thing's gonna be fine fine fine
'cause I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

And so, the search continues.....

9 comments:

gunj said...

I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that every thing's gonna be fine fine fine

u aleady knw d secret baybee!! :)
gud luck!

pj said...

@gunj
:D
thnx a ton!!!

Parul Gupta said...

visited ur blog for the first time...liked ur post a lot...very honest and straight to the point...will keeping popping in more frequently....

Trinaa said...

i agree completely...

The Trooper said...

That's a real nice song too..

I don't think knowing what you want do in life helps you in any way.. As long as you're happy with the way your livin ur life, its fine.. doesnt matter whether its planned, unplanned or what.. And always follow your instinct.. Or atleast that's what i believe.. Because then if u do mess up, u'll have the satisfaction of knowin u were brave enuf to try!

ps - something's the matter with ur template.. i'm seeing all lines rit now .. everywhere.. :P

The Paratrooper said...

arey oj ...sahi hai....niice of u to be so positive....:-)...good going babes!

pj said...

@parul gupta
sure!i wud love tat!do stop by...
glad u liked the post:D

@trina
:)thnx!

@the trooper
good thought there trooper...'follow ur instincts'...will try tat:)
and abt the lines...i guess the font's too small...will do sumthn abt it:)

@the paratrooper
oye, no 'oj'...i am 'pj'!:P:P
thanks buddy!

Sach! said...

Awww! Don't know how and why but we many a times sail in the same ship. I think somethings shall be left on time...
btw I changed my url:

http://sachi-stayingalive.blogspot.com/

pj said...

@sachi!
yea i feel that all the time...evrytime i read ur blog i read my own thoughts but in ur words....
its strange but true...